Secret to Happiness: Friends With No Benefits

Friends are important. Nobody would dispute that. 

But I doubt you know how very important they are.

The trigger for this issue is the Atlantic article I read about best friends who can do nothing for you. Provocative title - isn’t it?

It talks about how studies have shown that one of the key markers for well-being is whether you can rattle off the names of a few close friends. The kind who have nothing to give you except their friendship. That’s it. No professional benefits, no social status signalling etc. What struck me here especially is that this does not change whether you are an extrovert or an introvert.

So this issue explores some practical ways we could leverage friendship to keep our cup of happiness overflowing. Read on…

Spend More Time on Friendships As An Adult

Aristotle, the wise philosopher recognized 3 kinds of friendships: For Utility (You scratch my back, I scratch yours), For Pleasure (activity buddies, drinking buddies), For Good (Based on mutual respect and admiration).

The last kind, he said, takes far longer to build and is based on common values alignment. And it is this kind of friendship that decades of empirical research have shown as an essential predictor of happiness. 

Based on various researches (Murray and Peacock 1996), they account for almost 60- 70 per cent of the difference in happiness! These factors are the number of friends, the closeness of friends, closeness of family, and relationships with co-workers and neighbours. In fact, when dying people are asked what do they regret the most, #4 is: “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

Plus, neglecting your friends can make those deathbed regrets come a lot sooner than you’d like.

Lack of friends is a killer, literally.

• Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s did a meta analysis showing that not having enough friends or having a weak social circle is the same risk factor as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

• Closer home, Dr B.M Hegde who is a champion of integrative medicine, a Padma Vibhushan & Padma Bhushan Awardee, cardiologist, Professor of Medicine, Physician & Author, has shared about how friendships is one of the absolute essential components of long term physical healing.

Eastern cultures have known this for years. The popular concept of Ikigai, which focuses on living a fulfilling life, has a key tenet of Moai.

What is Moai? In Japanese, moai refers to a group of lifelong friends. It also means a social support group that provides social, financial, health or spiritual interests.

So these kinds of values based friendships are really really really important!

Even if you have good friends right now, research points out that in seven years half of your close friends won’t be so close anymore :O

So we do need to be investing time maintaining these & building new friendships. BUT…

Friendships As An Adult Can Be Tricky

This dilemma exists for most adults.

Often people say that the best years for them were the school or college years. Until you graduate, everybody is on the same timeline. After you do, everybody moves away and gets on a wildly different timeline and nurturing the same level of a meaningful relationship takes a lot of effort.

Plus making new friends and nurturing them is also hard. The other day my college friend based out of the US and I were speaking. She was sharing about how it has been hectic, given 2 young kids and both spouses working. Then she went on to share that the first thing which got deprioritized is friends.

So, what do we do?

Nurturing Friendships In Our Busy Lives: 6 Tips

Let’s accept first that nurturing friendships in adult life looks different and hence needs a different mindset. Consider these research backed tips to hone this muscle:

1. Consider the Logistics: Proximity breeds & strengthens friendships. Chose where you stay or hang out deliberately to optimize this. Along with using the lens of ‘close to office’, ‘close to home’ could we add the filter of ‘close to friends/ community’? This will make it much easier to nurture old friendships.

2. Compound it, takes less effort: Like in investing, compounding & diversification are the holy grail of meaningful growth in friendship capital. Most people allow themselves to lose touch with old friends. However, these are exactly the friendships that have the power to compound over years, with minimal effort.

3. Diversify, stop being picky: The criteria for friendships change based on your life stage. In college, it could be someone in the same class or hostel. Once you have kids and work, you might choose to connect based on your parenting values, your worldview, your spiritual/religious leanings. Often these folks may not be from the same age, country, life stage- and that is ok! Don’t restrict to ‘your kind’ only, also seek out people who do NOT think the same as you. Remeber this is NOT college.

4. Build A Habit, Use The Power of ‘And’. With limited time available as an adult, combining quality time with friends and activities together works wonders. Instead of going to dinners to catch up, run together, play together, take your kids to parks together. Make it a habit to do activities together.

5. Don’t be a Stranger: Check-in! Often. It does not have to be a lengthy conversation. You could just even text. For eg: “Hi, have not spoken to you in a while. what’s the latest? No rush to reply if you are busy…but hope you are doing well.”. I do this and it works beautifully. Birthdays are a great occasion to touch base if you have not spoken to them for a long while.

6. Don’t be interesting. Be interested. Be Authentic. When you do meet friends, make the time worth it. Ask good questions. Nobody becomes besties by only discussing the weather. A good meaningful, relationship-building conversation is seldom about ‘All is well. You take care’. It also includes what goals are you working towards, what challenges are you facing, what help you might need, and how you ‘really’ feel. Open up a bit. Close friends are what leads to personal discussions. But personal discussions are also what leads to close friends.

Friendship Is A 2-way Street

Some of the people you connect with won’t be interested to connect back, or with the same enthusiasm/ make the same effort. It’s OK. Give them the benefit of doubt. At least a few times. With adult friendships, sometimes you have no clue what is going on with them, really.

My personal rule is 3 times. After 3 times of initiating an effort to stay in touch, I free myself from making further efforts, unless I sense reciprocity. If you don’t feel valued, or do feel the pressure of always being the one to always bring all the energy, fun, meaning to sustain the relationship, let it go. It isn’t sustainable anyway. Focus on others who do reciprocate.

Reflection & Action

1. Do this quick friendship self-audit to help get a sense of the current situation

• How many friends do you have now, who will continue to be connect once you move away from the job/ place you live?

• How many of your current friends knew you before 7 years?

• How many of your current friends can you call without messaging in advance, and expect to respond?

• How many friends would check in with you - just because they have not spoken to you in a while?

What did you come up with? Are you happy with it? Consider how can you systemize catching up and add to your calendar.

2. Action: The new starts with the old. Touch base with old friends and leverage your super connectors. Try the 6 tips shared above. And CELEBRATE them!

“Reach out to your good friends and tell them how much they mean to you. It’s just not something we’re accustomed to doing. It’ll make you feel great, it’ll make them feel great and it will strengthen the bond between you. Be more giving to the friends you already have. People in romantic relationships always celebrate anniversaries, yet you might have a friend for 15 years and you’ve probably never gone out to dinner and raised a glass to that. We need to cherish our friendships more.”

Does this resonate with you? Are you able to successfully make time for friends? What has worked for you generally? Let me know by hitting reply on this. I am very curious to know if this is something which you also think about!

Until then,

Cheers to friends, old and new :)

Rashmi